How are you handling hard better
As the Year of the Dragon is about to begin
This past year was a tough year. The year before that was also a tough year. And the year before that was another tough year. Have you ever caught yourself asking “when will this get easier?”
What usually happens when I ask myself a question like this is I find that the universe is listening and responds in a unique way...a door opens, an opportunity presents itself, or I hear a message that really resonates with me.
“When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready... The teacher will Disappear.”
― Tao Te Ching
Recently I came across Duke’s Women’s Basketball Coach, Kara Lawson, and her pre-season message to her team. You might have seen this message from last year. It was a coach addressing her team to set the tone for the season. It was brief, direct and spot on.
Handle Hard Better.
“We all wait for things in life to get easier…(life) will never get easier…What happens is you handle hard better…That’s what happens…It never gets easier. What happens is you become someone that handles hard stuff better. That’s a mental shift that has to occur in each of your brains. It has to. If you go around waiting for stuff to get easier in life, it’s never going to happen…Make yourself a person that handles hard well. Not someone who is waiting for the easy. If you have a meaningful pursuit in life, it will never be easy.”
As we head into 2024 - the year of the Dragon - please enjoy another informal list of quotes, books, podcasts and blogs that informed and inspired me along the past twelve months.
2023 YEAR IN REVIEW
Quotes that remained with me throughout the year:
“Without courage we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.” — Maya Angelou
“Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
“Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.”― Robert Frost
“Study nature, love nature, stay close to nature. It will never fail you.” — Frank Lloyd Wright
“The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love—whether we call it friendship or family or romance—is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light. Gentle work. Steadfast work. Life-saving work in those moments when life and shame and sorrow occlude our own light from our view, but there is still a clear-eyed loving person to beam it back. In our best moments, we are that person for another.” — Maria Popova
Surprisingly enjoyable Books:
Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier by Arthur Brooks and Oprah Winfrey
Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to do about it by Richard Reeves
Die with Zero: Getting All You Can From Your Money and Your Life by Bill Perkins
Life is In the Transitions: Mastering Change in a Nonlinear Age by Bruce Feiler
Facing the Mountain: An Inspiring Story of Japanese American Patriots in World War II by Daniel James Brown
Podcasts featuring a specific episode that I enjoyed:
All There Is with Anderson Cooper
A President’s Grief - December 6, 2023
“You gotta come home, there's been an accident.” It was 1972 when Joe Biden heard the news that changed his life forever: his wife Neilia and 13-month-old daughter Naomi were killed in a car crash. Decades later his beloved son Beau died of cancer. In this deeply personal interview President Biden reveals how he has found solace in his grief and learned to search for purpose beyond his pain.
The Tim Ferriss Show
The Magic of Movement and Mobility - April 3, 2023
In this conversation, Dr. Kelly Starrett and Tim Ferriss discuss how our environment shapes us, how movement and sleep are related, balance training, improving mobility, corrective exercises, nutrition, cultivating a movement practice in every day, and more.
Big Questions with Cal Fussman
Connecting with Pele - January 3, 2023
On the day of Pele’s burial, Cal goes to the archives for an interview he did with the man many consider to be the greatest soccer player of all time. This podcast gets to the essence of the Brazilian superstar who connected with almost everyone on the planet. Not only did Pele make everyone smile, he once halted a war. After three years of disconnection due to the pandemic, we need to connect now more than ever. Pele shows us how.
Super Soul with Oprah Winfrey
Dr. Shefali - December 12, 2023
Oprah talks to New York Times best-selling author, world-renowned clinical psychologist and Super Soul favorite, Dr. Shefali, about her new book, The Parenting Map: Step-by-Step Solutions to Consciously Create the Ultimate Parent-Child Relationship. Dr. Shefali shares a revolutionary new parenting method that she believes will empower children while transforming parents. She explains how parents can disrupt dysfunctional inherited patterns and replace them with authentic connection to honor the essence of their child. She shares how parents unknowingly write scripts and create films for their children that block the capacity to interact with children. Oprah and Dr. Shefali take questions from parents across the country who have read the book and want to become more conscious parents.
A Slight Change of Plans with Maya Shankar
Managing Mental Chatter - May 17, 2023
Psychology professor Ethan Kross is an expert on the science of introspection and the role our inner voice plays in shaping our decisions and sense of well-being. While our inner voice has a lot of benefits, it can sometimes turn negative and lead to what Ethan calls “mental chatter.” In this episode, we discuss science-based strategies for how to rein in our mental chatter, including an exercise in mental time travel.
Excerpts from some of my favorite Blogs:
No prejudice.
India, Pakistan, Israel, Brazil, Vietnam, Nigeria, China, Russia. You have thoughts about these places. You’ve heard people say things about them, and that’s affected your perception. You judged them before actually going there.
Men in monk’s robes or camouflage. Women in burqas or bikinis. Eye shape. Skin color. It’s hard to see past your pre-judgements.
Your child has no prejudices. This is my favorite part. I often go to places I’m biased against. Seeing them through my child’s unbiased perception, and interacting with the people as such, helps me connect, which then helps me expire my old opinions.
I wish I could take him with me everywhere, like glasses.
Facts Don’t Change Our Minds. Friendship Does.
Convincing someone to change their mind is really the process of convincing them to change their tribe. If they abandon their beliefs, they run the risk of losing social ties. You can’t expect someone to change their mind if you take away their community too. You have to give them somewhere to go. Nobody wants their worldview torn apart if loneliness is the outcome…
The Longer I Do This, The Less I Care About Results.
It was worrying too much about things he couldn’t control, Ian Happ told me on The Daily Stoic Podcast, that got him sent back down to the minor leagues after a great rookie season with the Chicago Cubs in 2017. “I was caring more about what the guy who made the decisions thought and got away from my process and what made me a good player,” Happ explained. “When you worry about the things that might get you put on the bench, the end result of that is always, you do the things that get you put on the bench.” He shifted his focus back to the work. “Instead of wondering why or trying really hard to impress a coach or the people who make the decisions, I said, ‘you know what? I’m going to believe in myself, put in the work, and at some point, they’re not going to be able to keep me out of the lineup.”
Final Reflection
As I mentioned, 2023 was filled with quite a few challenges, setbacks and transitions, which I think is why I enjoyed Bruce Feiler’s book so much - Life is in the Transitions: Mastery at Any Age - and the clear message that storytelling is a lifeline in a crisis and critical for us to see a path forward.
“Primed to expect that our lives will follow a predictable path, we’re thrown when they don’t. We have linear expectations but nonlinear realities... We’re all comparing ourselves to an ideal that no longer exists and beating ourselves up for not achieving it.”
- Bruce Feiler
At the same time, this past year had many celebrations and milestones. The past twelve months were filled with gratitude - allowing me to focus more on my health, family, and friends - and service to others in the community - through volunteering at the Blanchet House & Farm and in my new role at the Northwest Regional Re-entry Center helping people transition from prison back into their communities.
So many people in the world today are going through stuff, keeping it all inside and out of sight. None of us know exactly what’s going on in each other’s lives.
So as we head into the New Year of 2024, my message to myself and everyone is to try and be a little more kind to ourselves and others. Give some more grace and show some more love. The world needs this now more than ever.
Jerry Quinn is the author of QNotes, lives in Portland, OR where he tries to spend as much time with his 2-year old Australian Labradoodle, Charli.
